is just unavoidable.
As an homage to our favorite pink stuff, here’s a list of the top 6 things we immediately regret eating (though sometimes it can be a delayed reaction, if you know what we mean)…
1) Ethnic Curries
There are many ethnic dishes with which we love to torture our tastebuds (and other body parts later on down the digestive line), with curries arriving at the number one spot. The silent but deadly combination of creamy, spicy and heavy will leave you enough throne time to peruse the entire Bathroom Reader within the span of a night. A spicy curry laden with coconut milk and laced with capsaicin will induce sweating, physical pain, drooling and all the other stomach discomforts that can be muted by the above commercial. (This one’s for you @glovedirk)
2) Fried Oreos, Twinkies and Other Nonsense (thanks for this one @mangosunshine)
Strategy of the deep fried twinkie/oreo inventor:
Take something people regret eating already. Make sure it’s high on the trans fat scale. Dip it in a heavy batter. Deep fry. Voila!
As if we don’t already feel guilty for eating this stuff, we eat it deep fried and from a booth that probably has a meth addict taking your order. What’s not to regret?
3) Gas Station Sandwiches (egg salad in particular).
So pretty much all gas station food is regrettable; burritos, hot dogs, over fried boudin balls (in Louisiana of course) and anything else rotated, fried, microwaved or pre-packaged. However, we figured the worst offender had to be something pretty questionable already. Put it into the setting of a gas station and you’ve got yourself an intestinal disaster waiting to happen.
Thought process of selecting a gas station egg salad sandwich:
Damn, I’m tired. Everything is blurry after staring at the lines of the highway for the past 6 hours. I need coffee. Oh look, there’s some sandwiches. Coffee and a sandwich, that sounds perfect. Nothing too heavy so I don’t fall asleep on the road. They’ve got to be safe, they’re pre-packaged. I mean mayo’s fine if refrigerated, right? No more ham left? I guess I’ll just have to get the egg salad then…
4) Tex Mex Combo Dinners
Beans (check), greasy cheese (check), gravy (check), fried stuff (check), jalapenos (check). If that’s not a checklist for a tummy ache, then the Pope’s not Catholic, a one-legged duck does not swim in a circle and Bob is not your uncle.
Although indulgently delicious and craveable, Tex Mex combo dinners leave you with that “brick in your stomach” kinda feeling immediately after the last bite of chips and salsa. A three hour nap is nearly a requirement post-chimichanga. Groan inducing fullness, I-shouldn’t-have-eaten-that laments and guaranteed flatulence are the Tex Mex gifts that keep on giving.
5) The Lunch We Just Ate
Two spoonfuls of baked beans straight from the can, the remaining few bites of 4 day old chicken salad, half a filet of cold, 2 day old grilled redfish, and four tortilla chips.
No explanation necessary.
6) Hot Pockets
We could say many things about the glorious, enigmatic and often times lava hot or halfway frozen pastries, but we’ll just let Jim Gaffigan work his magic. Hilarity ensues.
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