In general, I find sitting down to a piping hot plate of death factory-grown beef sautéed in a vat of 7-day old grease on a High Fructose Corn Syrup/Partially Hydrogenated bun as appealing as the prospect of having one of my molars removed sans laughing gas.
However, there are moments when I give into my basest cravings and rustle up $2.29 for a Sausage and Egg McMuffin or 99 cents for a Chicken Soft Taco at the Bell and stymie my inner Jimminy Cricket who’s chirpily reminding me about my commitment to sustainable, organic living.
Unfortunately, I can no longer hit the piggy bank when nothing but a Frito Burrito or a Chicken Little sandwich will quiet my stomach’s rumblings – and not because of J.C. – these items, and other timeless culinary classics have been forever chopped from various fast food menus across our fair nation. I invite you to join me in drooling over some of our nation’s most foolishly ousted treats – and hope that one day, very soon, they will rise again to help us clog our arteries and boost the alarming levels of obesity in America.
10) The Enormous Omelet Sandwich
?Not for the faint of heart, Burger King debuted the gut-busting Enormous Omelet Sandwich one fine day in March of 2005. The sumo wrestler of breakfast options, the E.O.S. weighed in at 730 calories and 47 grams of fat and was comprised of an ooey-gooey mass of egg, cheese and smoked pork products on a hearty baguette which could double as a softball bat. Sadly, it was discontinued due to “health concerns” and the high-pitched outcry such a good ol’ red-blooded meal invariably inspires in these trying 21st century times.
9) Onion Nuggets
A quaint marriage of the onion ring and a hunk of deep-fried lard, Onion Nuggets reared their pleasantly putrid heads on McDonald’s menu back in the glory days of fast food – the 80’s! The Nug was comprised of beautifully minced onions somehow crammed into small solid balls of stench, dipped in an unholy batter and then deep-fried. Magnifique!
8) Fried Pickles
Ah, Sonic. The underdog of fast food restaurants betrayed its heart and soul when it ousted fried pickles from its menu. What item–a vegetable rendered almost nutritionally null by its high sodium content made 20 times worse by a date with a deep fryer–could better embody the chain? They occasionally make their way back onto the menu “for a limited time,” but surely America’s newfound obsession with the gastropub and all things cheap and breaded should inspire the permanent return of the purveyor’s veritable mascot?
7) Arch Deluxe
?The Arch Deluxe – McDonald’s mid-90’s attempt to market to adults – was met with widespread derision, much to the humiliation of top brass, who hoped to squeeze $1 billion in sales in the burger’s first year alone. Selling for a pricey $2.49, the Arch Deluxe’s downfall was undoubtedly its snooty/sappy ad campaign, which implied that the AD was Mickey D’s country club option – but let’s face it, they ain’t servin’ up no Beef Wellington at Ronald McD’s house of gut-busting horrors. But with America’s obsession with pimped-out burgers still going full-steam ahead, and a less ham-fisted approach to marketing, there’s no reason the Arch Deluxe – comprised of a burger topped with cheese, tomatoes, lettuce, chopped onions, ketchup, and special sauce (mayo and mustard) — wouldn’t sell like gangbusters today.
6) Wendy’s Superbar
The aptly named Superbar was an all-you-can-eat(!!) buffet that offered an “international” cornucopia of greasified deliciousness, from overly oiled pastas, to Mexican finger foods, to some truly terrifying salad “fixins.” Dave gave the Superbar the boot in 1998, citing an incompatibility with the chain’s general “fast food” model, shattering the hearts of cheap, picky grazers everywhere.
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