Screw You, Eco-Friendly Takeout Boxes

I don’t care how eco-friendly these new takeout boxes are, they’re ruining my freakin’ food. The old boxes may someday turn Mother Earth into a styrofoam-laden wasteland, but you know what they didn’t do? They didn’t stick to my burritos, my sushi rolls, my teriyaki, my pasta, or my remotely edible food item that’s placed inside of it. These new mulchy paper takeout boxes look like the recycled paper I made in elementary school, and I don’t recall eating my Lunchable off the stuff.

It never fails–I order something to go or ask for a box for my leftovers, receive the dreaded Food Ruining Sticky Box, take my food home, try to eat what’s inside and spend the next fifteen minutes scraping food off the bottom of the box and trying to extract little strips of paper from my meal. These stupid things have unraveled sushi rolls, rendered the bottom layer of spaghetti inedible, leaked grease, and have single-handedly ruined the joy of sitting in front of the TV in my pajamas and stuffing my face with takeout. Screw you, eco-friendly takeout boxes. I’ll see you in hell.