5) The Geriatric Time Bomb
As is the case with kids wandering through the dining room exhibiting no sense of what is and is not socially acceptable, the same can be said for old people. However, on the advanced age side of the spectrum you’re faced with a growing concern that your meal could be interrupted at any second by the death rattle of a ninety-year-old man who has finally eaten his last flank steak. Every time you start to settle back into your dinner, there is something emanating from their body that reminds you this it’s a ticking time bomb. Wheezing, coughing, an awkward nonsensical joke, these are all signs that you might be having to cash in on that CPR certification you got twelve years ago rather than ordering dessert.
6) The Teenage Crew
Alright, so everyone was a teenager once, and probably had a bit of arrogance surrounding how great they were in relation to everyone else. When you went out with friends you were loud, brash, and sometimes vulgar, but since you and your friends were soooo hilarious, you just figured everyone else was blessed with the opportunity to listen in on your conversation. For some reason, being on the other side of these conversations doesn’t seem to have the same charm it did when you were participating in them oh so long ago. But, it’s probably just because no group of teens is ever going to be as awesome as you, Larry, and Tommy “The Face” Malloy.
7) The Easily Impressed
The “Bizarro” version of the constant complainer, this is the person who praises every last thing about their meal. And although it’s one thing to enjoy your food, it’s another thing entirely to do your own little When Harry Met Sally reenactment over a plate of salmon with red potatoes and rice pilaf. The only thing the easily impressed diner does is bum you out about the fact that you’re not enjoying the meal nearly as much as they are. If you ordered the same thing then you’re left wondering why you’re so hard to please, and if you ordered something different then you’re stuck regretting the magical salmon that might have been. Either way, much like the overly amorous couple, this person leaves you feeling empty inside.
|Honestly, it’s just a piece of fish.
8) The Silently Judgmental
This diner is probably the worst of the bunch because they blend in with everyone else. They sit quietly on their little throne of judgment and scrutinize everything you do. Maybe you opted to sit on the same side of the booth as your date or had to send something back because of a food allergy; either way you can bet they’re jotting it down so they can mock you later. This type of person is just looking to tear you apart as a means of further justifying the superiority complex they use to mask all their own insecurities. No matter what you do, something is going to piss this person off, and they’ll leave blaming you for yet another ruined meal. Fortunately, I’ve been lucky enough to never come across anyone like this. However, I’ve been told they’re out there. So be on the lookout.
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