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5) More Sun Equates To More Skin

With warmer weather comes fewer clothes, or more skin per square-inch, as I like to say, which can be a good thing if a person has a nice body. A hot waitress, or waiter, in short shorts can greatly enhance a patio-dining experience. But a neighboring diner with ultra-alabaster mayonnaise legs or excessive cellulite and varicose veins (think Ohio roadmaps) can make you throw-up in your mouth. So, be careful what you ask for–and that is to be seated on a patio before people have a chance to tan their fat.

6) Attention: Allergy Sufferers

Springtime is a bad time for those who suffer from seasonal allergies. And sitting outside only enhances your chances of becoming goopy-eyed and all plugged up with floating pollen. With that said, do you really want to sit outside during the height of allergy season? I know it’s tempting to absorb some sun after a long winter of being cooped up inside, yet the discomfort will probably outweigh the pleasure if you’re allergic to fresh-cut grass, sagebrush, and tree pollen.

7) Smoke On The Water

Since restaurant patios across America have become smoking sections, at least in states that still allow it, you could be bombarded with wafting cigarette smoke (or even worse, the smoke from a big, fat cigar) if you elect to sit outside. Smokers often complain that they are not allowed to smoke anywhere anymore, but a small restaurant patio can become overwhelming if everyone decides to light up. “Honey, how is your pasta?” “I don’t know. All I can taste is that guy’s cigar!’

8) The Forgotten Section

Restaurant employees often refer to patios as “Siberia” because they tend to be situated far from the kitchen, which can cause two major problems: you could be neglected by your waitron, who might forget about you in “Siberia,” and your food could be cold because it has to, in some cases, travel nearly a city block before it hits your table. Of course, this is not always the case. Some patios are actually closer to the kitchen than the regular dining room. But that doesn’t exempt you from being forgotten or receiving a bowl of cold chowder.

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