1) You don’t order any drinks.
This is one of the biggest peeves of the bartender. Why in God’s good name are you sitting at a bar if you don’t want to drink?! Get the hell out of here so the people with real problems can drown their sorrows the right way: at the bottom of a bottle.
2) You don’t leave.
You’ve finished your drinks, your happy hour sliders or your free bread and you’re just sitting there taking up space. Sound familiar? If you don’t want to drink any more, then get the hell out of the bar. You refuse to leave and you’re not spending money, so this means you’re of absolutely no value.
3) Everyone else is an ass and so are you.
You might think you’re being patient, but that look you’re giving her like she just snubbed you for some other order doesn’t go unnoticed. Remember, you’re drinking, she’s not. Also remember: you’re just as much of a jackass as that guy who stiffed her earlier, because you are that jackass. What can they get you, another $2 PBR? Yeah, sure…coming riiight up.
4) They haven’t been to the restroom in hours.
Sure, you’ve been drinking, and so you need to relieve yourself more often than most sober people. Either way, built up bladder tension can undo even the sturdiest of constitutions. Unfortunately for the bartender, there’s only one of them and many of you which means their time to drain the snake comes either when the bar closes or there’s a fire that needs snuffing out and the extinguisher is empty. This, of course, has dire consequences for their bedside manner as you can’t help but get up and stumble to the john every 15 minutes from all those Rocky Mountain hops you consume in liquid form. Jealous? With a distended bladder, you would be too.
5) They would rather be drinking than serving you.
Let’s face it: it’s always more fun to drink than it is to serve drinks. This is most poignant for the ones actually behind that bar, who also like to imbibe their favorite concoctions instead of pawning them off on your unappreciative ass. With each sip or gulp you take, their bitterness increases in magnitude fueled by the fire that is our next item.
6) They view all alcoholics (including themselves) with contempt.
Considering the fact that their entire clientèle is based on addiction to the sweet legal nectar they provide, you would think they love those who just can’t say no. But, listening to all the troubles, ruminations, and failed attempts at humor from their patrons has caused them to run for cover inside their own personal safe haven of fermented vegetable products. In so doing they become the very thing they hate: you. Because once they leave the shelter of the bar, they’re no better than you, agitated at the slightest wait time for their drink order and making constant comments to the bartender about how they “know what it’s like.” They don’t care. They hate you either way.
7) She’s just a bitch.
Yes, that’s right. Sometimes the bartender doesn’t really have any good reason to hate you. You order large drinks, you tip well, you’re polite and cordial and have done nothing wrong. All you want is a friendly conversation or some time to relax and enjoy the football game while the wife’s at home on a cleaning rampage. But, that bartender hates you nonetheless because quite frankly, she’s just a bitch. So, keep that in mind while she’s smiling through clenched teeth at you and remember that behind those eyes, she’s seething with rage and you’re the current target of it. Now, do you have more or less empathy for the night they’ve had?
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