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If you’re one to elicit groans of embarrassment from your dining companions, enjoy rudeness in general, or like the extra zing of saliva in your drinks, you may be guilty of some (or all) of the following ways to piss off your bartender
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1. Being impatient in a crowded bar.

If you’ve ever yelled “hey you,” rudely, multiple times to a bartender currently busting their ass to get 10 margaritas made for the 10 people ahead of you, then you know you’ve just upped you’re waiting quotient by about 35%. Your pleas for booze will be conveniently ignored and drowned out by the understanding, patient fellow alcohol hounds surrounding you. Follow suit, and you might be lucky enough to get a drink without the ice from the machine with the pink slime inside.

2. Not tipping a bartender that readied your to-go order.

The sour cream for your baked potato does not magically scoop itself into those tiny plastic containers, nor does the bread jump spontaneously into the paper bag keeping it warm and steamy. Chances are, if you’re instructed to pick up your mobile meal at the bar, it was most likely the bartender that stopped slinging drinks to tackle the tedious tasks of putting endless amounts of condiments into cute little containers. Acknowledge the effort and tip, you cheap bastard.

3. Requesting to change the channel on the bar televisions when the bartender is busy.

Not everyone wants to watch the Astros lose for the 5th game in a row, so go home or resist the urge to bug the busy bartender for the remote. If the pickled old man on the stool next to you needs his 3rd gin and soda, sorry buddy, you’re just going to have to wait to switch the television off that awful cheerleading competition currently on the Deuce. If you’re the only one in the place, by all means, take charge of the boob tube, but a crowded bar…just be happy to get a smile and a delicious drink from the bartender until things calm down.

4. Hitting on other bar patrons inappropriately.

That liquid courage you’re downing does not entitle you to a free pass on scaring off otherwise courteous and decent fellow happy hour clientele. These people came to the bar to enjoy a cold, delicious adult beverage and not to get out of your dreams and into your car. A better bet would be to purchase a drink from across the bar and wait to see what develops. Letting the bartender play cupid is generally better than having your tequila breath fog up someone’s glasses (especially if your end goal is to bed them later that night). Plus, the bartender will appreciate the fact that you’re not dipping into their bread and butter by flirting their regulars out the door. Note: referring to someone as “sweetheart,” “baby cakes,” “hottie,” “doll face,” or any other cheesy term of endearment falls under this category. Two last words of advice on this subject: no touching.

5. Getting too drunk.

Just don’t do it. You’ll look like an ass, the bartender will be placed in a difficult position and you’ll have to take a cab home. That’s not including the massive hangover headache and beer dirties you’ll have to fight the next morning when you have your mom drop you off to get your car from the now empty parking lot. Or, you could be arrested and placed in a cell with “Big Mama,” or someone with ‘love’ tattooed across their knuckles, and you wouldn’t want to wake up to that, now would you?

6. Not tipping or tipping very little.

Does this even require any explanation? This is not to say that a rude or inadequate bartender deserves any tip at all. However, don’t imbibe too much and forget your check card at the bar (because you won’t be able to sign and leave the tip on your bill). And, no, the economy is not an excuse. If the bartender laughed at your stupid jokes, consider at least a 5% bump, helped you score some digits, go up to 7%, or made a special concoction and named it after you, 10%. Plus, tipping helps build your karma points.


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