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Ah, Valentine’s Day. The one time of the year where various businesses can commercialize love and jam it down our throats like we’re ducks getting fattened up for foie gras. Since it’s socially expected that couples “celebrate” Valentine’s Day lest they be derided for being in a “loveless relationship,” here are 6 quick and cliché ways to spend February 14th with your loved one.

1. Put a generic, uninspired piece of jewelry in a champagne flute.

Even though that heart-shaped necklace adorns is worn by approximately fifty million women nationwide, sticking it in a glass of bubbly and hoping she won’t mistakenly choke on it guarantees that your girlfriend or wife will excitedly call her friends and shriek that you “went to Jared!”

OMG, how original. Swoon.

2. Choke down some chocolate fondue.

Nothing says “classy” like shoving a chocolate smothered marshmallow down your significant other’s throat and wondering why you both have gut rot and sugar shakes an hour after dinner.

3. Have some oysters.

You know, because they’re aphrodisiacs, so they’re supposed to make you think of vaginas and get all horny and knock boots…when in actuality you end up getting the runs because of some low-quality seafood at the Shrimp Shack off Highway 99.

Oysters.jpg
There’s nothing sexy about Red Tide.

4. Buy anything that’s heart-shaped and edible.

It doesn’t matter if it’s a box of chocolates, a cake, or hell, even a pizza. Heart-shaped on Valentine’s Day equals instant and thoughtless romance. Just make sure you stock up on heart-shaped condoms that are undoubtedly defective.

5. Use things in the bedroom for foreplay that shouldn’t be remotely edible (but somehow still are).

Never mind the fact that those edible panties are essentially glorified Fruit Rollups without the poke-out skateboard shapes, or that the body cream smells like Strawberry Shortcake and tastes like hand soap–it’s erotic, damnit.

Mmm. Sexy.

6. Book reservations at a bullshit restaurant with a special “Valentine’s Day” menu.

Any other day of the year this dish would cost $15, but since it’s February 14th the heart-shaped balloons, red, white and pink streamers, and the $2 carnations come out and your one-of-a-kind “Lover’s Special” costs $74 + whatever you have to pay the wandering musician to leave you and your date the hell alone.

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