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7) Bar and Grill = “I’m Trying to Get You Drunk”

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If you’re looking to get your date good and drunk, take her to a bar and grill. The food’s cheap enough that you can buy your gal more yardstick high, neon green drinks adorned with seven maraschino cherries and a sugared rim. She’ll gorge on potato skins and whiskey bbq chicken strips while you motion to the waiter for another round.

8) Italian Restaurant = “I’m Boring”

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If there’s nothing remotely interesting about you, invite your date for some good old Italian fare. Nothing says bland like Caesar salad and spaghetti bolognese. The spiciest thing about your date will be a meatball, and even that will probably be just “ok.”

9) Vegetarian/Vegan Restaurant = “This Date is Going to Suck”

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If you embrace your profound suckitude and are devoid of humor, intrigue, or any redeeming qualities whatsoever, let your date know by taking her out for some ridiculously awful vegan food. If she has a horrible time (because, let’s face it, vegetarians are terrible), you did her a favor and helped her weed out another dud. If she loves the food then clearly you two bastards are perfect for each other.

10) Chinese Restaurant = “I’m Cheap”

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If you’ve got money but are just a cheapskate, take your date out for some “family style” (meaning “we’ll share one dish”) Chinese food. By the time she realizes she’s hungry again an hour later, you’ll already be at home in your sweatpants playing Call of Duty.

11) Indian Restaurant = “I Underperform”

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Dude-approved show Manswers recently asserted that Indian men have the smallest dongs, so be sure to set the right tone with your lady friend by taking her out for some curry and naan. You’ll both be so sleepy and sweaty from the heavy cream and spiced food that you’ll feel as if you had sex, thus cutting out that pesky “naked disappointment” step.

12) Sushi Restaurant = “I’m Desperate to Seem Cultured”

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Want to seem hip and cultured without making an effort? Grab some sushi in your desperate attempt to come off as being “different.” Hopefully she won’t realize that you’re about as interesting as every other non-threatening, “I still live at home and have only been to Canada” twenty-something in your city.

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