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Plenty has been said about food, but not every quote can be as pithy as, “Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing.” Unfortunately, not all quips land squarely on their target, and sometimes the quotes end up being inane, groan worthy, or just plain absurd. Here are 10 ridiculous food quotes that might fall a bit short of the best Bartlett’s has to offer.

1) “Did you ever stop to taste a carrot? Not just eat it, but taste it? You can’t taste the beauty and energy of the earth in a Twinkie.” – Astrid Alauda

But when the apocalypse comes, you can’t store a carrot indefinitely.

2) “Sex is good, but not as good as fresh, sweet corn.” – Garrison Keillor

C’mon Mr. Keillor, you know how you always mix up the words “corn” and “sex.”

3) “The more you eat, the less flavor; the less you eat, the more flavor.” – Chinese Proverb

I’m pretty sure the thousands of loyal customers at the Old Country Buffet would beg to differ.

4) “Food is an important part of a balanced diet.” – Fran Lebowitz

Yogi Berra couldn’t have said it better himself.

5) “Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” – Jim Davis

Obviously, lasagna is also an essential.

6) “Toots Shore’s restaurant is so crowded nobody goes there anymore.” – Yogi Berra

Sorry Fran, Yogi is still the king.

7) “I eat merely to put food out of my mind.” – N.F. Simpson

That means you’re not doing it right.

8) “It is illegal to give someone food in which has been found a dead mouse or weasel.” – Ancient Irish law

Actually, this sounds pretty reasonable.

9) “You can’t get ice cream out of shit…I don’t care how much you stir.” – Unknown.

True, but there has got to be a more eloquent way to make the same point.

10) “As a kid, I got three meals a day. Oatmeal, miss-a-meal and no meal.” – Mr. T.

It’s hard to pity the fo’ on an empty stomach.

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