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Conservative talk icon Rush Limbaugh has lost 58 lbs in a little less than 90-days using a diet he says he’s unable to share with listeners because, “It’s too complicated.” Apparently he has been able to accomplish these results with no exercise other than golf, and he went on to explain:

“It would take me 45 minutes every day to tell you what the diet plan is and answer all your questions about why it works. All I can tell you is is that it’s about 1500 calories a day, but you don’t count ’em. I don’t know the caloric intake of one thing I’m eating. All I know is that it adds up to about 1500 calories.”

So, since Rush is insisting on being a little vague about his mystery diet, we did some sleuthing and determined a few of the other secrets he’s not sharing with you about his diet.

10) Every time he tells a lie he loses one pound.

9) The secret ingredient is OxyContin.

8) Only 10% of his diet is actually grown in America.

7) All the fat he loses trickles down so it can be enjoyed by the working class.

6) Stomach stapling may have played a small role.

5) The diet was prompted by his desire to finally be able to see his own “stimulus package.”

4) He plans to put all the weight back on in one glorious pork rind bender.

3) His main source of protein is aborted fetuses.

2) It involves being waterboarded with gravy until you can’t stand the sight of it.

1) Obama actually deserves the credit.

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