?I popped into Whole Foods on my way home from work the other day, and while I was perusing the aisles I started to notice that the grocery chain seems to attract a very specific clientele. It got me thinking about all the things you’d probably never see happen in a Whole Foods store, so I drafted up a list to present to all you non-yuppie grocery shoppers out there. Here are six things you’ll (probably) never see at a Whole Foods.
1) A Fist Fight
Whole Foods shoppers are, by and large, a passive lot. While they might be aggressive in pushing their political views, they’re probably not likely to get into an actual fist fight. There’s a good chance you could cut right to the front of the line, insult the iPhone and say you think universal health care is a terrible idea, and all you’d get are a bunch of angry glares and some passive aggressively harsh words muttered behind your back.
2) Someone Using a Coupon
This isn’t about value shopping, it’s about spending obscene amounts of money on food that has a sticker on it declaring it’s organic. If people were worried about saving money, they’d be filling their cart with random processed foodstuffs at some ordinary supermarket, not buying obscurely exotic cheeses and overpriced produce from some fancypants upscale store.
3) An Abnormally Large Family
You know the defeated looking mom with so many kids running around the store you’d think she was running an orphanage? Well, thanks to premium pricing, you’re pretty much assured you’ll never have to deal with her misbehaving brood while shopping in a Whole Foods. Families of six or more are most likely banished to more value-oriented stores, so unless they miraculously get some sort of Kate Gosselin-like freebies as a result of overbreeding, you’re not going to be seeing them roaming the aisles.
4) A Tapout T-Shirt
Much like a, “These Colors Don’t Run” shirt, Tapout merchandise is typically associated with a strata of people who probably don’t care too much about their carbon footprint. Chances are, if you’re driving a Ford F150 cleverly adorned with Calvin peeing on the Chevy logo, buying paper towels made from recycled materials isn’t at the top of your grocery list.
5) Novelty Shopping Carts
If you’re looking to distract your child from getting bored by placing them in a shopping cart shaped like a race car, you’re plum out of luck. Whole Foods is far too sophisticated for novelty shopping carts and kid-oriented foolishness. If your child isn’t totally enthralled by the prospect of saving the environment, then he clearly shouldn’t be spending time in such an upscale supermarket.
6) Convenient Brand Names
What if you want a simple tube of toothpaste? Unless you’re ready to sacrifice the comfort and familiarity of Crest, Colgate, or any other trusted brand, you’re barking up the wrong tree. One-off purchases of simple everyday items are not what Whole Foods is about. If you want Coke, Pepsi or, heaven forbid, Mountain Dew, you better take your ass to one of them stores for commoners. Whole Foods is better than that.
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