?No offense American military, but today’s episode was much higher on the culinary scale of excitement. Starting at full speed with a quickfire dealing with pesky garden pests and kicking someone off in the process, the producers must have felt bad after their salute to boring food by striking a balance with their ode to French cuisine this week. In honor of the stellar episode, we’ve written a letter to the remaining cheftestants.
You idiots (the ones that were taken aback by the French challenge), don’t you know after watching the previous five seasons that there most certainly is going to be a French food challenge? You should always carry the French sauce arrow in your quiver.
Robin: Keep up the hyperactivity. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Your neurosis is entertaining. Ativan is bad for ratings.
Ron: You’re boring. It’s only a matter of time.
Mike: We hope you’ll become more villain-y as the season progresses. Maybe not the level of villainy reached by Marcel or Hung, but perhaps a tinge more smarmyness is needed.
Brothers: Keep on cooking. We’re already predicting a head to head with Jen and Kevin in the final 4. Just please, no more foams, ok?
Jen: We shall dub you, intense lady. And by intense, we mean totally sweet.
Kevin: Goshdarnit if you don’t look like a gnome, or Santa’s personal chef. Whatever it is, we hope to visit your hobbit hole one day for a totally down to earth, slap-your-mama-it’s-so-good meal. And no, hobbit hole is not a euphemism.
Mattin: We think you’re cute, but maybe a little bit clueless. If we didn’t want to stow you away in our pockets, we’d think that you might need a little more brushing up on your skillz. Also, what did you mean by “escargot is my whole youth?” That sounds quite horrifying to us.
Ashley: Please don’t wear tuxedo t-shirts. Ever. Please do, however, keep trucking. We’d like to see you get farther than Ron, who we have no good reason to root for his demise, but we do anyway.
Colicchio: It’s “pack your knives and go,” not “pack your knives and leave.” Where have you been the last few years?
Ash: You have a cool name. Other than that and the fact that you’re gay, we really have no knowledge of you. Kick it up, or as you said tonight, “balls to the wall.”
Eli: There was a shortage of crazy haired dudes this season, so we see you proceeding pretty far. We’d also like to see you drunk for some reason.
Chef Boulud and Robuchon: We’d eat anything cooked by you. No, really.
Gail: Keep saying bitchy stuff so they’ll have stuff to tease before commercial breaks.
Laurine: You made a pasta salad, and for that, we can never forgive you.
With a hungry heart,
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