?*Please imagine this as told with a thick accent at a very fast pace, so actually, you should really only understand about half of this, but we couldn’t figure out a way to blur out every other word.

So, like, you know, this week was really crazy because I got kicked off and we had to cook on an open fire and I was really sad because I had to leave Padma, I mean the show…and you thought I might be gay. Ha!

So, we found out this week that Ashley was like, becoming an aunt or something because she has a twin brother that we never knew about. So crazy that she used to live in the middle of the woods and have to use an outhouse. In Basque country, we don’t need outhouses, because the French are so awesome that we don’t even poo, you know?

Also, Tim Love was our special judge. He was kind of mean during the quickfire and expected to get great things from cactus. Can you imagine? I mean, cactus has like, spikes or, how you say it, needles? Whatever, they taste like merde and are very slimy, which is very gross. But, I did good anyway and was in the top 3 for the quickfire after I did the cactus three ways, which was right before I did ceviche three ways. I guess I really like three ways. *Boyish laugh*

Eli was kind of bitching about the campsite, but I felt right at home, like back on the farm minus the sandy desert-like conditions and the teepees we had to sleep in. It was like, crazy, you know? But anyway, I just laughed a lot and looked increasingly adorable as the pressure became more intense, but I guess my red bandana and charmingly innocent cluelessness didn’t work, which, like sucks.

Also, Ron did a ceviche and a horrible coconut drink and ended up on the bottom three with me and Robin, who made a charred romaine salad with chlorine scented shrimps, but I was the one who lost very badly. I can’t believe Ron is still on the show, he’s like a big, dumb animal, although very nice, that girl that writes for Daily Fork seems to think he will be voted off very soon. I used to get scared that he would, like, eat me or something. Also, I think Mike should be kicked off for not knowing how to pronounce the name of his “gyro” dish. That’s like, amazing you know, him cooking Mediterranean food and not knowing how to pronounce things. It’s almost as bad as me cooking escargots (even though they were my entire youth) and not winning the challenge last week.

Well, I’m sad, but not too sad, as I’ve got too much cuteness in me than any human being should ever possess (other than babies and toddlers). Let’s see how their ratings are without me and my red scarf. *Maniacal laugh*

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