In preparation for the big day, here are some of the non-coveted Halloween goodies kids dread finding in their pillow cases. So please, do us all a favor and buy the good stuff. It’s only once a year.
1) Peanut Butter Kisses
The dreaded black and orange wrappers were a dead giveaway that a handful of the goodies in our trick-or-treat pillow cases were going straight to the trash can. If we waited until the next day, some of these chewy semi-peanut butter flavored cavity-creators would be melting out of the wrapper and onto the “good” stuff.
The consistency of chalk, a flavor vaguely reminiscent of sour baby powder and a wrapping that rarely keeps all of the candy contained is the M.O. of the ever popular old-people-give-this-away-to-trick-or-treaters candy. Usually, about 25 percent of the candy loot is ‘chalked’ up to Smarties, which can be considered the candy tax on your door-to-door efforts. There’s always a few stray ones crushed at the bottom of your bag to take along on next year’s trick-or-treating journey.
This excludes Raisinettes, of course, because anything covered in chocolate is OK by us. Well-wishing parents and fuddy duds alike unite in their efforts to keep all things sugary and unnatural out of the hands of costumed children. We heard through the grapevine that raisins have almost as much sugar as candy, so touché, you crappy candy giver-outers.
Fondly referred to as, “old people candy,” butterscotch is just too plain boring to get excited about. Werther’s can be an honorary member of this category, as it seems to limit its appearances to grandmother’s houses and nursing homes. If you hand it out for Halloween, you’re probably too old to care about this blog.
5) Sugar Babies
The sensation of having a putty-like substance stuck in your teeth for half a day, as well as the valiant chewing effort, make this candy one of the last consumed from our bag of treasures.
6) Good and Plenty
We’d like to rename this candy “good for nothing and plenty of crap.” Licorice flavored, covered with a hard candy shell and completely devoid of any redeeming candy qualities is the proper description of this atrocity. In fact, we’ve yet to meet a single person that actually likes licorice and, frankly, we’re curious as to how the industry has stayed in business.
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