Home sick from work, flipping through channels on a rainy Saturday, or a just a food network-a-holic, you’ve probably noticed that not all Food Network stars are created equal. And by equal, we mean equally annoying.
6. Giada De Laurentiis
This lovely lady with the tiny arms and ample bosom hits about a 4.5 on the irritating scale. She reels you in with her cute smile, easy recipes and clean editing, then smacks you in the face with a mean left hook of ridiculous pronunciation. Anything with an Italian origin (“spaghetti,” “lasagna,” “mozzarella,” etc.) emerges from Giada as if a small, enthusiastic Italian man has possessed her tiny body. She’s a decent host, but the brief, nails-on-a-chalkboard bursts of Italian are enough to turn us away from that “spuh-ghi’-tee” she’s peddling.
5. Sandra Lee
Aside from her outfits on “Semi-Homemade” that are coordinated to match the theme of the show or the cutesy name of all her recipes, the fact that she has a “tablescape” with every meal is enough to push the annoyance factor to a 6. Her show should be renamed Cooking for Trophy Wives
4. Ted Allen on “Chopped”
Awkward introductions, an overly serious tone and all the charming demeanor of a prostate exam, Ted Allen’s a robot of a host for this new Food Network showdown. When he delivers his appropriately cheesy one liners with the gusto of a narcoleptic in a mattress factory, it makes us desperate for the good ‘ol days of “Queer Eye”. Annoyance factor: 6.5.
Voted “Most Likely To Be Wearing a Popped Collar” in high school, Bobby and Jamie Deen, seem to meander onto Paula’s set and stir something while making uncomfortably fake comments with their Southern drawl. Their short stint on “Road Tasted” proved their ability to read cue cards and pretend it’s friendly banter. How crappy of a host do you have to be replaced by the Neelys? A high scoring 7.
2. The “tech” dude on Ask Aida
This guy is a total douche nugget. According to the Ask Aida profile on Food Network’s website, Noah Starr is the “tech guru” of the show. Apparently, the Food Network hasn’t advanced past the days of the Commodore 64 if he’s considered a guru of anything. Checking email and acting like a tool are his only technical qualifications (at least on the show). But then again, he did write for World Wrestling Entertainment, so he must be legit. Shattering the annoyance scale at a 9.
1. The Neelys
Where to begin? As much as we love watching an overly affectionate couple smother one another with compliments, we’d also like to watch a show involving food. Oh wait, there’s cooking involved? Sorry, we were distracted by Gina’s sassy planted comments and Pat’s flattery (as sweet and fake as saccharin). If you really are as lovey dovey as you claim, come out from behind the counter and give us a hand check. If their barbecue sauce was as good as their counterfeit enthusiasm, we’d have a pantry full. Definitely a 10.
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