Five Reasons the Caffeine Doughnut is a Terrible Idea

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Since coffee and a donut seems to be synonymous with the lazy-man’s breakfast, finding a way to combine both the caffeine boost you get from a cup o’ joe and the amazing caloric boost you get from the doughnut should be a major win. Sadly, the recent scientific breakthrough allowing for the creation of caffeinated doughnuts is the type of advancement that does more harm than good. Not because we’re worried about the caffeine mind you, but because taking the coffee out of the equation is on par with trying to remove the “Tyler Perry Presents” part of the title from a Madea movie: It’s just confusing. As someone who loves both caffeine and doughnuts, I still can’t wrap my head around why I would possibly want the two of them blended together. Some things are better left as is, and here are five reasons why the caffeine doughnut is a terrible idea.

1) It’s totally unnecessary

Despite the claim that caffeinated doughnuts are designed to eliminate the frequent urination brought about from excessive coffee drinking, they’re still no substitute for a cup of coffee. Not everyone drinks coffee just for the jolt of caffeine, some people drink coffee because they like drinking coffee. If the caffeine boost is all you care about you’ve already got the option of just popping a couple pills.

2) They’ll add up quickly

By the same token, if you’re worried about having to pee all the time, scarfing down another couple hundred calories every time you want a pick-me-up is hardly the ideal solution. If you’re accustomed to three cups of coffee a day, you’ve just added almost a meal’s worth of calories to your diet. Fortunately the restroom will be the least of your worries when you’re housebound from obesity and a bed pan is your only option.

3) It’s actually a frosting

It’s not even a caffeinated doughnut, it’s a frosting they’re putting on the doughnut. Not only does this mean you’re now forced to steer clear of plain glazed and honey dipped if you want a bit of a caffeine spike, but you’re also upping the calorie quotient by God knows how much. If you’re going to add caffeine to frosting you might as well just figure out a way to make a gravy that also helps you get high. At least that would be totally awesome.

4) The more you eat, the more you break even

The idea of having a doughnut that gives you more energy is completely counterintuitive. Not once has anyone eaten a vast quantity of doughnuts and walked away from it with an extra spring in their step. At best, eating two or three caffeinated doughnuts is going to leave you with exactly as much energy as you’d have if you hadn’t just eaten two or three doughnuts.

5) Coffee will always be easier

If you’re the only one drinking coffee at a meeting it’s still reasonably acceptable. If, on the other hand, you’re sitting in a business meeting stuffing your fat face with a couple of doughnuts, there’s probably going to be a fair bit of distraction. Coffee is the popular pick-me-up for a reason. It’s cheap and convenient, and you can enjoy it for an extended period of time. Let’s keep doughnuts as a wonderful (and occasional) accompaniment, and let coffee keep doing its thing.

Image via Flickr: existentialism